Running Diary VMAs 2009

Class has made me an irresponsible blogger, and I'm here to get help. The first step is recognizing your problem, right? Luckily for everyone though, I am contractually obligated through numerous recording deals and endorsement deals with MTV to do a running diary of the 2009 VMAs. For last years look here. And for some Movie Awards action look here. I'm doing this retroactively (Monday morning) I've heard about some wild antics (Kanye) and seen some here and there (Lady Gaga.) Anyways, lets get started. Program runs 150 minutes but thanks to a little thing called DVR, I'm hoping to cut that down. For the sake of facade, let's start at 9:00 p.m. when the show first aired.

9:00 p.m. - Russell Brand behind the wheel again, which is never a good thing to say even when your speaking in metaphors. What to expect? Some MJ tributes? Definitely. Some awkward live moments that MTV doesn't want but secretly hoped for all along? Probably. Gratuitous promotion of all things Britney Spears? God I hope not.

Madonna kicks things off, says "Michael Jackson" and leaves. No, kidding. She gives his life story, and guess what, it's a lot like hers! "We had abandoned him" she says. "We were busy passing judgment." Never thought Madonna would turn me from a cynic to a sap but shes pretty good.

Recreating Thriller live on stage, then it transitions to Bad. Now Smooth Criminal's on deck. These dancers are mimicking the King pretty well. The lean killed it at the end. Scream starts to play and Janet comes out. She does a Michael routine solo and its chilling. Good opening to the show, somewhat obligatory, but MTV hasn't messed up, yet.

9:21 - Katy perrys sings Queen's "We Will Rock You." She knows the Freddy Mercury tribute is over doesn't she? Brand comes out. I guess we're supposed to think he's a rock star or something, but Im almost certain he just plays one on TV.

He alienated the Jonas Bros. last year, and wastes no time making a joke about Katy Perrys "entrance" I suppose it was the easy thing to do.

Brand says no bad taste this year, then mentions Barack Obama. (And the crowd goes wild). He tells the crowd he plans to say whatever he wants tonight, sounds good.

So, Lady Gaga appears to be dressed for a masquerade, that or a scuba dive, its too close to call.

Wale is the house band, which is a really good look for him.

First award of the night is Best Female Video, presented by Shakira and Taylor Lautner. He and She wolves, oh MTV, you're too coy.

Best Female Video
Winner: Taylor Swift - you belong With Me

(Anticipation...and...)

Boom. The Gay Fish strikes again. Kanye jumps on stage grabs the mic from 17-year old Taylor Swift and says Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time. Mixed reaction from the crowd. Taylor Swift is now speechless, a term that gets new meaning when you're accepting an award. MTV doesn't let her finish and plays a Tracy Morgan clip instead. You think Taylor Swift is going to jump on all her Kanye CD's and write a song about how her angst made her fell like an outcast. Alright, the cynic is back.

Tracy wants to be Best New Artist, so he's going to enlist help from...Eminem, who apparently shares a bunk bed with Tracy Jordan. Side note, Best New Artist is pretty deep this year, and there's 3 rappers, which you know makes me happy.

9:41 - Brand rambles about love for everyone, Swiftian and Beyoncic. Jack Black and Taylor Meister present, Jack Black is jacked, then talks to satan in the name of metal. If we were graphing the bizarreness of the night we went from 0 to 3 to 10 back to 4.

Best Rock Video
Winner: Green Day - 21 Guns

More thoughts on them once they perform, but they seem more interested in Jack Black's massive fake axe then their 21's award. That was a guess not an exact number. Billy Joe says play more videos, cant disagree with that.

Miranda Cosgrove and my secret new favorite artist Justin Bierber are the next presenters. Justin gives Taylor Swift some love. Members of the teen-artists union stick together I guess.

Taylor Swift performs on a subway platform in a streakers trench coat. No shutter shades on. She sheds the coat and, how convenient, a subway car full of teens looking to party safe and legally. If you say "she wears high heels, I wear sneakers" while in a ball gown and presumable high heels what does that make you?

The run out of the subway car through the turnstile and onto the street. The street fills with people. Despite the dancers on cabs, I like this performance, like what the Jonas Bros did last year, but in New York, which means, better.

(Side thought: no commercial commentary, im in a time crunch plus fast forward and I are too good of friends for me to turn my back so abruptly.

9:55 - Someone from Cobra Starship and someone from Fall Out Boy do something totally bad ass and cool. Lady Gaga performance.

It's hard to describe what shes wearing right now, its like a cat mask, but with bunny ears. The theatrics are a little out of control. Church backdrop, large vocals, dancers in all white, plus I already know whats coming. Gaga walks down the aisle with a crutch, which goes right in line with the notion of her being "very weird," the general consensus in the room. She plays some piano, but with a leg on the table. Again, who really knows. Her dress is now bleeding and she's crying lyrics. Dancers hold up her body, oh gosh, the scene turns red, she screams. And know she's suspended from the roof by her arm. Her eyes are lifeless and her whole face and torso is covered in blood. I get that she's into pop art and and being dramatic, but this is a little disturbing. I get that you're singing "Paparazzi" and they "kill" you, but scale it down Lady Gaga, for once. You're scarin' us lady.

10:08 - Lady Gaga has changed, and now looks like something out of Pans Labyrinth. She's wearing a red lace from her head to her toes, and when I say that, I mean it covers her face, her body, and her toes.

Brand rambles again, which is his shtick apparently. He brings up Lil Wayne, says he got 3 girls pregnant, even Brand, and the ladies who have vowed to raise that child - presenters Nelly Furtado and Kristin Cavlery. Between Nelly's Spanish and Kristins Vall-Ay girl talk, my heads hurting.

Best Pop Video
Winner: Britney Spears - Womanizer

Britneys on tour, which means we're spared for the moment.

Adam Brody and Megan Fox walk out to present Green Day.

I'm not the biggest Green Day fan but I say any band that's able to keep rocking out and selling records for 30 years is good. Not good? that would be Billy Joes choice to highlight his hair only by his ears. I said raccoon someone else in the room said dog. Either way, you look like a dirty animal, Billy, and not in whatever good punk rock context you might take that in. He invites the crowd on stage which is real cool because it creates total anarchy on stage, something I generally in support of.

10:23 - Pitbull seems to be moving the crowd quite terribly, which is strange cause I think he's the go to party starter.

Kristin Stewart, Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lautner come out to present an extended New Moon trailer. Stewart, aside from the C+ haircut, is fidgety, awkward, uncomfortable, call it what you will, but theres something up with that girl.

Didnt they show a trailer at the Movie Awards? So do they just coincide promotions with MTV award shows?

I never saw Twilight, but this movie looks, dare I say, bad ass. Still two more months to wait, but its fine cause i think theres another award show somewhere in there somewhere.

Ne-Yo and Chase Crawford introduce Beyonce. She's in a Single Ladies type leotard. Shes joined by two dancers and they do the Single Ladies dance, an easy move for this performance. Classic, simple, recognizable, fun, sexy, tell me B isn't the whole package, oh and shes a smart business woman, you think Jay makes any decisions in her career, I'd bet his thumbs up goes a long way.

10:38 - Jamie Lynn Sigler and Diddy come out. Anyone who forgot about Entourage just got a friendly reminder from MTV. Diddy mentions Kanye as a nominee and the crown boo's, then a Taylor chant starts.

Best Male Video
Winner: T.I. ft. Rihanna - "Live Your Life"

Diddy accepts the award because T.I. is well, in prison. So here's to you T.I. Enjoy the moon man. Diddy gives what he believes to be T.I. speech. Man he likes to hear himself talk.

Alexa Chung and Gerard Butler present Muse in the Walter Kerr theater. Butler gets the crown roaring, then throws his ear piece out, he's a man's man, a king, a warrior, and a presenter. Muse performs. Nothing too extraordinary here, they're leaving the antics to the professionals, good move Muse.

Tracy and Em in the studio. Tray just wants to sing "Time after Time." I think he just plays Tracy Jordan everywhere he goes, which isn't bad, at all, but if you dont like 30 Rock yet then you cant really appreciate Morgan.

10:55 - Jenifer Lopez graces the stage to present Best Hip-Hop Video.

Best Hip-Hop Video
Winner: Eminem - "We Made You"

Kanye doesn't intervene because he and everyone else knows he wants nothing to do with Eminem. Em would eat him alive, like fish sticks.

Kid Cudi pays tribute to DJ AM, who provided house music last year. While were on the subject of Cudi, the new album is worth a listen. My review comes out this Tuesday. You want me to post it here just to cover all bases? Sure, no problem.

11:04 - Brand throws in an R.I.P. Adam. Then brings out Trace and Em to present Best New Artist. Tracy sings more Cyndi Lauper in hopes to steal the award.

Best New Artist
Winner: Lady Gaga

I'm telling you, the line between artistic and freaky is seriously blurred here. She needs Eminem to hold her award while she unmasks her self. She dedicates the award to God and the Gays. Interesting pairing there, but again, right on target with what we expect from her.

Serena Williams comes out and shoves a tennis ball down Jimmy Fallon's mouth. "Fire Bunin'" by Sean Kingston plays, reference to her temper anyone? She introduces Pink, who's performing blindfolded and suspended in the air. You can always count on the VMAs for strange ideas passed off as brilliance.

Oh look at that, shes also paying homage to Lil Kim and rocking a pastie on the left breast. Wow, and doing acrobatics Cirque de Soliel style. Nice to see MTV is putting the emphasis back on the music. All in all, a risky, innovative, and rocking performance.

11:18 - Jimmy Fallon and Andy Samberg present Best Video. They sing some melody, which Beyonce apparently know too. I really really really hope it anyone but Britney.

Video of the Year
Winner: Beyonce - Single Ladies

Fitting I guess since she hadnt won all night and had some controversy around her. You think Kanye was really this go arounds Bruno, setting up a Beyonce victory in the end. Camera shows Lady Gaga who seems to wearing a wreath on her face.

Taylor Swift comes out on stage and her and Beyonce hug. Swift gives her actual acceptance speech. For all my bashing she truly is a sweet and strong girl.

11:29 - Jay-Z steps out of a car. Unfortunately my recording ends there, missed the Jay performance, but saw Brand call Gaga an eskimo. Funny stuff.

Big improvement over last year's debacle. There were a good bunch of I guess what youd call "VMA moments." Till next year.